The Ex Games (old Blog)

the Ex-Games...

Posted on 2009.03.10 at 14:32
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: Rick James March through May is an interesting time to say the least. for me, it signifies the kick off of what i call the Ex-Games.

there's the more traditional of the term occurring. this time of year Ex's start calling, emailing and myspacing. wanting to know "how I've been".

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN ANYWAY?

how have you been? if that isn't the most blandest, vague, emptiest thing to ask a person.


then, theres the other Ex's.

Ex friends

Ex classmates

Ex colleagues

Ex cetera...

usually follows the same schematic. ask how you been, then exchange info and still not fuck with each other until next year when you do it all over again.

Attachments (old blog)

Attachments

Posted on 2009.02.27 at 13:42
Current Mood: contemplative
Tags: growth, life, maturity, travel

i'm nervous about going back to school. i'm afraid i won't have fun. i have a poor attention span. and i need a social circle. i'm a social animal.

more accurately i feel i need to make friends. i have an attachment to ideals.

i want my life to exciting yet enlightening. i want adventure and all the other synonyms sold along with it. but i have things i need to let go of. i have a few things i need to at least loosen my grip on.

i have an attachment to failure.
failure in its own unique way is the most certain of outcomes because it takes less effort. success takes a concentrated,yet relentless self determination. i believe there are people in the world who're not happy because they cling to failure. to be so afraid your unwilling to try is no different.

i have an unhealthy attachment to Minnesota. the worlds a global village. I'm standing in the corner. I"m the wall flower at the party of life. i am scared for some reason to leave.

i had an epiphany one day, there is war going on just everywhere outside the U.S. theres so many global causes. theres so many things. war. genocide. disease. tyranny. corruption. etc.

the worlds not a bad place. just that i find the confrontation with completely different environments overwhelming, yet a social high.

i feel like i'm clinging to familiarity. i won't move.

my girlfriend wants to move badly. to the point i think its building up to a pivotal moment in our relationship. i'm indifferent at this point. not cause i don't care. i'm paralyzed with fear. i admit it. i don't know where to go. i think way too much. want to be in control of everything. every detail and outcome.

wanna limit how much spontaneity i am exposed to. i know i'm ridiculous.

but i don't wanna go to school in Minnesota anymore. this shit is boring. this state is too small. but i have to endure till i at least get my AA degree. thinking about Seattle. but i'm unsure. i want something new. i think i'll like it.

Appreciation (old blog)

When i was 8, i remember being forced outside for recess.
more specifically during minnesota winters. and often as it snowed.
i swore its was hell i was being tossed out into. i remember shivering horribly.
thinking "this is how its all gonna end, huh? out here like this. i'm too young to die...:-("
i would curl up in a ball inside my over sized winter coat. and i thought i was waiting to die like in those end of the world movies.



for those who don't know how bad a Minnesota winter is...

Ask yourself, ever hear about a Minnesota summer?



Winter here is Fucking brutal. -10,-20 below with wind chill. don't help that its windy. your nose hairs freeze!!! You literally cry from how sorry you are for whatever you did to deserve this. people outside just curse. There are literally just shivering and cursing,

"shits this shit's so fuckin cold!!!"

i found it funny now at 23. my 7 year old brother had a splinter and was showing his ass.

He was running around the house, for his foot to be in so much pain. He had the nerve to scream "I'm too young to die!"

this is what he thinks the end is like? thats not suffering.


I'm sitting here thinking to my self. "Y'all kids today is spoiled. you think thats agony? back in my day they used stand us outside everyday for 30 minutes straight. in fuckin single digit weather!!!. kids crying because they want to go inside. they had the nerve to tell us to move around more to get warm."

you know why they made us do that?



so we'd appreciate being in the class room.
If we just shut the fuck up and just did our work. we could enjoy the heat.

Dreamns (from Original blog )

DreaMNs

Posted on 2009.02.27 at 02:44
Life is but a beach chair/ i don't wanna wake up/ 30 odd years without having my cake up.

Jay-z



Personally thats a huge fuckin pet peeve. people who quote rappers like there Plato or Freud. Thats not a shot at hip hop. just annoys me that people don't have anything deep to say. then usually the quotes people take are irrelevent ass hell.


My dreams? my dreams aren't simple. there pretty intricate. my dreams have actually evolved into goals. and from them comes plans. so to truly know my dream. you need to know my plan. what can i expect if i don't have a plan for my life.

At this point of my life, I'm planning to start over.

i want to take getting my education more seriously. i didn't take school seriously. i didn't feel like i was accomplishing anything. like anyone was proud of me. my father didn't call and talk to me. my mom didn't believe i was gonna graduate high school up till the ceremony. i still needed to learn own my own that i need to be the kinda person i'd be proud of. i felt that my parents weren't expressing interest with me because they viewed me as wasted talent. that they made there peace with there disappointment, at least enough not bring it up.

so after awhile of no one expressing interest in my life. family and even strangers faces changing up cause i'm in community college.
faces are screaming

"oh my god!!! you're making a mistake!!!"

"thats not leading to anything!!!"

I knew what i was doing. i was a horrible student in high school. i barely escaped that part of the battle alive. i won that round by decision alone. i had to take the loss and boost my chances of getting into a good college. i went to the local community college to generals. to just learn something and get a better GPA than in high school. alot of people think i coudn't get into the U of M. i had a 2.0 more or less in high school. i scored a 23 overall on the ACT. i just wanted to get the more for my money. since all i got was the pell grant and it bought a full load at MCTC


it took going in the first place, getting bore, experiencing hardship, falling in love, making mistakes, growing as a person to really be able to take on the original mission.

i want to be a teacher now. i started school as a business major. i want to own something in this lifetime. i grew up without anything. and not that cliche definition. i was so poor as a kid i was ashamed to be seen in my clothes till i bought them myself. i had this dream that i would be financially free. it even evolved into fantasies of waking up in my bedroom with a wall screen in my bedroom. i would wake up and turn it on with the remote keyboard. my board of directors would be conferencing via web cam. I'd be checking my investments. then get out the bed and go and do what i want with the day while they get my money.

then i went into this period where i really wanted to study abroad. figured I'm going in debt over school. might as well throw some travel in too. use it as a vehicle. got into this program where i could do a semester in china. never followed through.

Like Nietzsche said "To forget one's purpose is the commonest form of stupidity"

my turn to play the fool.

now i wanna teach. i wanna teach abroad. i would really love to teach in Africa or Asia. ok i would love to get paid to live there. I'm kinda bored with my current station in life. i wanna see other place. i wanna meet new people. i want to have friends all over. and i love education. i love to learn. I'm a student of life. i wanna share that with people eager to learn. lets be real. we don't have the most appreciative of students here.

so i'm going back to school this fall. i want to study a foreign language. i used to do Spanish in high school. but the class went too fast for me. i took Quran'ic Arabic. but thats not conversational Arabic.

i wanna learn Japanese. Spanish, Arabic and maybe another language in my life time.

considered enlisting in the Army to be a Linguist..

i also plan on taking a psychology class as well. i'm thinking of minoring in education psychology.

my dream is that i'll get to have some fun when i get back in the rhythm. i know that alot of people want to be teachers abroad. and metro state has an affordable teaching degree. hoping to link up with a few of them. maybe go overseas as a group. or hopefully meet up with people already living the life and networking.

i really need to make this work. my dreams depending on it.