Empty (enlistment) threat? a wicked game to play...

I have a situation that i can't make sense of. the more i try and figure it out, the more confused i become.

My girlfriend is in the Army reserves. I've been broke the last 2 years of our 5 year relationship consistently. needless to say love is relative to ease and benefit. its abundant when your an asset. its nonexistent when your just there.

no complaints, thats how love is.

but i share the dilemma with a friend whose child's mother is in the reserves with my Ebony.

And upon considering enlisting to solve money problems, we've been met with opposition.

Him more than me.


But this is about me.

I understand at this point that Ebony feels she might as well be alone since she's not getting anything from being with me. but the opposition to me joining to eliminate that only confuses me because it leaves room to speculate whether she wants the problem solved or just the problem(me) to go away?

kinda just feel like i can be tolerated but there is no desire for me anymore. if thats the case then its my fault. can't run from that or deny it or externalize it.

could be reading into it too. but when i hear not to do it because i'm only doing it for us, what i'm really hearing is:

"i'm passively trying to stop you because if you join your gonna be mad when i still don't want to be with you."

or

"Your only doing this to try and force me to be with you..."




Don't know what to make of it. But a decisive actions the only thing that will bring an answer to that.

Change

Can u
Help
A
N!&&@
Get
Employed?


for real, i'm beginning to speculate that the jobs on job boards aren't even real.
that they're there just so people can be assured that if they keep applying than they will be fine.

nothing wrong with that. I'm praying that i'll be employed and able to move further along in my plans.




debating whether i should pay down debt or get an apartment once i move back out.


i'll the former, then the latter.

in order for me to move, and more importantly move on with my life, i need to get out of debt.

Update 10-21-09

I've made progress.

I'm back in school, part time but still back in school. Its midterms and i probably got a C for my Ethics course. but my other course's midterm is a take home Quiz!!!
gotta love community college.



i Bought another car with my remaining loan money(My car was repossesed after i lossed my job earlier in the year)



I have another job, only half time.
i'm thankful to God i have it.

OHH!!!

And i took shahadah!!!

And things aren't as bad as i can think they are. i just put off an integral growth process (college) and now i must finish :)

i've picked up guitar:)


and outside the stress of college life, I'm happy again.

i have a lot to work on,

one is gaining more employment.
the other is getting back out on my own. but i can do that, i've done it.

and Insha Allah i'll be on my way out west to the next frontier of life.

considering a move to Seattle possibly.



i've been sold on it by friends and loved one. gonna check out the schools this spring and IA i'll be heading that way once i boost my GPA and lower or eliminate some of this debt while i'm on my Mom's couch:(

damn, honestly i was a little sad till i wrote this out and realized i'm getting it back together...

If you meet the buddha kill him?

"No meaning that comes from outside of ourselves is real. The Buddhahood of each of us has already been obtained. We need only recognize it. Thus the Zen Master warns his disciple: If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him!"


As someone raised in a monotheistic religion practicing a Chinese martial art, the question that instantly follows for me is...

is that the same as smashing the idol?

Haiku

Haiku

Posted on 2009.03.18 at 07:58
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: kanye west
Tags: growth, haiku, life, poetry, thoughts

Eyes close, I feel warm.
Eyes open I feel unsure.
Eyes low, I feel high.

Marcus D

under the influence and with my heart wrenched, i just sat and wrote. some make sense. some don't. some are relevant to me, some i don't even know where they came from. except that they're mine.

some of them technically aren't structured right since pluralizing(if thats a word) with an s adds a syllable technically. but whatever.




I wasted time.
Now you say that time is up.
Time’s intangible.



Snow melts away.
You once had a hold on me.
Please don’t let me go?



She packs up for good
I unpack for the first time
These things mean nothing


Outside, a sun shower
Shards of broken light dance free
I‘m a child again.



Flash! the sky ignites.
Awareness streaks throughout me.
Exhilarating!



The worst has happened,
I should be her boyfriend.
Stuck in the friend zone.



I went on Maury.
In the case of Marcus D
You are the father


The damage is done.
Monuments raze and fall.
Maneuver through ash.



My phone is ringing
Can’t bring myself to answer
Must keep the world out.



Minutes become days
I’m dragged to the future
Time smothers us all.



I wear a pea coat
I love to watch foreign film
I’m still don’t belong

The Ex Games (old Blog)

the Ex-Games...

Posted on 2009.03.10 at 14:32
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: Rick James March through May is an interesting time to say the least. for me, it signifies the kick off of what i call the Ex-Games.

there's the more traditional of the term occurring. this time of year Ex's start calling, emailing and myspacing. wanting to know "how I've been".

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN ANYWAY?

how have you been? if that isn't the most blandest, vague, emptiest thing to ask a person.


then, theres the other Ex's.

Ex friends

Ex classmates

Ex colleagues

Ex cetera...

usually follows the same schematic. ask how you been, then exchange info and still not fuck with each other until next year when you do it all over again.

Attachments (old blog)

Attachments

Posted on 2009.02.27 at 13:42
Current Mood: contemplative
Tags: growth, life, maturity, travel

i'm nervous about going back to school. i'm afraid i won't have fun. i have a poor attention span. and i need a social circle. i'm a social animal.

more accurately i feel i need to make friends. i have an attachment to ideals.

i want my life to exciting yet enlightening. i want adventure and all the other synonyms sold along with it. but i have things i need to let go of. i have a few things i need to at least loosen my grip on.

i have an attachment to failure.
failure in its own unique way is the most certain of outcomes because it takes less effort. success takes a concentrated,yet relentless self determination. i believe there are people in the world who're not happy because they cling to failure. to be so afraid your unwilling to try is no different.

i have an unhealthy attachment to Minnesota. the worlds a global village. I'm standing in the corner. I"m the wall flower at the party of life. i am scared for some reason to leave.

i had an epiphany one day, there is war going on just everywhere outside the U.S. theres so many global causes. theres so many things. war. genocide. disease. tyranny. corruption. etc.

the worlds not a bad place. just that i find the confrontation with completely different environments overwhelming, yet a social high.

i feel like i'm clinging to familiarity. i won't move.

my girlfriend wants to move badly. to the point i think its building up to a pivotal moment in our relationship. i'm indifferent at this point. not cause i don't care. i'm paralyzed with fear. i admit it. i don't know where to go. i think way too much. want to be in control of everything. every detail and outcome.

wanna limit how much spontaneity i am exposed to. i know i'm ridiculous.

but i don't wanna go to school in Minnesota anymore. this shit is boring. this state is too small. but i have to endure till i at least get my AA degree. thinking about Seattle. but i'm unsure. i want something new. i think i'll like it.