Wednesday, October 21, 2009


Can u

for real, i'm beginning to speculate that the jobs on job boards aren't even real.
that they're there just so people can be assured that if they keep applying than they will be fine.

nothing wrong with that. I'm praying that i'll be employed and able to move further along in my plans.

debt Pictures, Images and Photos

debating whether i should pay down debt or get an apartment once i move back out.

i'll the former, then the latter.

in order for me to move, and more importantly move on with my life, i need to get out of debt.

The Debt Pictures, Images and Photos

Update 10-21-09

I've made progress.

I'm back in school, part time but still back in school. Its midterms and i probably got a C for my Ethics course. but my other course's midterm is a take home Quiz!!!
gotta love community college.

Community College Pictures, Images and Photos

i Bought another car with my remaining loan money(My car was repossesed after i lossed my job earlier in the year)

poverty Pictures, Images and Photos

I have another job, only half time.
i'm thankful to God i have it.


And i took shahadah!!!

And things aren't as bad as i can think they are. i just put off an integral growth process (college) and now i must finish :)

i've picked up guitar:)
guitar !! Pictures, Images and Photos

and outside the stress of college life, I'm happy again.

i have a lot to work on,

one is gaining more employment.
the other is getting back out on my own. but i can do that, i've done it.

and Insha Allah i'll be on my way out west to the next frontier of life.

considering a move to Seattle possibly.

seattle Pictures, Images and Photos

i've been sold on it by friends and loved one. gonna check out the schools this spring and IA i'll be heading that way once i boost my GPA and lower or eliminate some of this debt while i'm on my Mom's couch:(

damn, honestly i was a little sad till i wrote this out and realized i'm getting it back together...

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

If you meet the buddha kill him?

"No meaning that comes from outside of ourselves is real. The Buddhahood of each of us has already been obtained. We need only recognize it. Thus the Zen Master warns his disciple: If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him!"

As someone raised in a monotheistic religion practicing a Chinese martial art, the question that instantly follows for me is...

is that the same as smashing the idol?



Posted on 2009.03.18 at 07:58
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: kanye west
Tags: , , , ,

Eyes close, I feel warm.
Eyes open I feel unsure.
Eyes low, I feel high.

Marcus D

under the influence and with my heart wrenched, i just sat and wrote. some make sense. some don't. some are relevant to me, some i don't even know where they came from. except that they're mine.

some of them technically aren't structured right since pluralizing(if thats a word) with an s adds a syllable technically. but whatever.

I wasted time.
Now you say that time is up.
Time’s intangible.

Snow melts away.
You once had a hold on me.
Please don’t let me go?

She packs up for good
I unpack for the first time
These things mean nothing

Outside, a sun shower
Shards of broken light dance free
I‘m a child again.

Flash! the sky ignites.
Awareness streaks throughout me.

The worst has happened,
I should be her boyfriend.
Stuck in the friend zone.

I went on Maury.
In the case of Marcus D
You are the father

The damage is done.
Monuments raze and fall.
Maneuver through ash.

My phone is ringing
Can’t bring myself to answer
Must keep the world out.

Minutes become days
I’m dragged to the future
Time smothers us all.

I wear a pea coat
I love to watch foreign film
I’m still don’t belong

The Ex Games (old Blog)

the Ex-Games...

Posted on 2009.03.10 at 14:32
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: Rick James March through May is an interesting time to say the least. for me, it signifies the kick off of what i call the Ex-Games.

there's the more traditional of the term occurring. this time of year Ex's start calling, emailing and myspacing. wanting to know "how I've been".


how have you been? if that isn't the most blandest, vague, emptiest thing to ask a person.

then, theres the other Ex's.

Ex friends

Ex classmates

Ex colleagues

Ex cetera...

usually follows the same schematic. ask how you been, then exchange info and still not fuck with each other until next year when you do it all over again.

Attachments (old blog)


Posted on 2009.02.27 at 13:42
Current Mood: contemplative
Tags: , , ,
i'm nervous about going back to school. i'm afraid i won't have fun. i have a poor attention span. and i need a social circle. i'm a social animal.

more accurately i feel i need to make friends. i have an attachment to ideals.

i want my life to exciting yet enlightening. i want adventure and all the other synonyms sold along with it. but i have things i need to let go of. i have a few things i need to at least loosen my grip on.

i have an attachment to failure.
failure in its own unique way is the most certain of outcomes because it takes less effort. success takes a concentrated,yet relentless self determination. i believe there are people in the world who're not happy because they cling to failure. to be so afraid your unwilling to try is no different.

i have an unhealthy attachment to Minnesota. the worlds a global village. I'm standing in the corner. I"m the wall flower at the party of life. i am scared for some reason to leave.

i had an epiphany one day, there is war going on just everywhere outside the U.S. theres so many global causes. theres so many things. war. genocide. disease. tyranny. corruption. etc.

the worlds not a bad place. just that i find the confrontation with completely different environments overwhelming, yet a social high.

i feel like i'm clinging to familiarity. i won't move.

my girlfriend wants to move badly. to the point i think its building up to a pivotal moment in our relationship. i'm indifferent at this point. not cause i don't care. i'm paralyzed with fear. i admit it. i don't know where to go. i think way too much. want to be in control of everything. every detail and outcome.

wanna limit how much spontaneity i am exposed to. i know i'm ridiculous.

but i don't wanna go to school in Minnesota anymore. this shit is boring. this state is too small. but i have to endure till i at least get my AA degree. thinking about Seattle. but i'm unsure. i want something new. i think i'll like it.

Appreciation (old blog)

When i was 8, i remember being forced outside for recess.
more specifically during minnesota winters. and often as it snowed.
i swore its was hell i was being tossed out into. i remember shivering horribly.
thinking "this is how its all gonna end, huh? out here like this. i'm too young to die...:-("
i would curl up in a ball inside my over sized winter coat. and i thought i was waiting to die like in those end of the world movies.

for those who don't know how bad a Minnesota winter is...

Ask yourself, ever hear about a Minnesota summer?

Winter here is Fucking brutal. -10,-20 below with wind chill. don't help that its windy. your nose hairs freeze!!! You literally cry from how sorry you are for whatever you did to deserve this. people outside just curse. There are literally just shivering and cursing,

"shits this shit's so fuckin cold!!!"

i found it funny now at 23. my 7 year old brother had a splinter and was showing his ass.

He was running around the house, for his foot to be in so much pain. He had the nerve to scream "I'm too young to die!"

this is what he thinks the end is like? thats not suffering.

I'm sitting here thinking to my self. "Y'all kids today is spoiled. you think thats agony? back in my day they used stand us outside everyday for 30 minutes straight. in fuckin single digit weather!!!. kids crying because they want to go inside. they had the nerve to tell us to move around more to get warm."

you know why they made us do that?

so we'd appreciate being in the class room.
If we just shut the fuck up and just did our work. we could enjoy the heat.

Dreamns (from Original blog )


Posted on 2009.02.27 at 02:44
Life is but a beach chair/ i don't wanna wake up/ 30 odd years without having my cake up.


Personally thats a huge fuckin pet peeve. people who quote rappers like there Plato or Freud. Thats not a shot at hip hop. just annoys me that people don't have anything deep to say. then usually the quotes people take are irrelevent ass hell.

My dreams? my dreams aren't simple. there pretty intricate. my dreams have actually evolved into goals. and from them comes plans. so to truly know my dream. you need to know my plan. what can i expect if i don't have a plan for my life.

At this point of my life, I'm planning to start over.

i want to take getting my education more seriously. i didn't take school seriously. i didn't feel like i was accomplishing anything. like anyone was proud of me. my father didn't call and talk to me. my mom didn't believe i was gonna graduate high school up till the ceremony. i still needed to learn own my own that i need to be the kinda person i'd be proud of. i felt that my parents weren't expressing interest with me because they viewed me as wasted talent. that they made there peace with there disappointment, at least enough not bring it up.

so after awhile of no one expressing interest in my life. family and even strangers faces changing up cause i'm in community college.
faces are screaming

"oh my god!!! you're making a mistake!!!"

"thats not leading to anything!!!"

I knew what i was doing. i was a horrible student in high school. i barely escaped that part of the battle alive. i won that round by decision alone. i had to take the loss and boost my chances of getting into a good college. i went to the local community college to generals. to just learn something and get a better GPA than in high school. alot of people think i coudn't get into the
U of M. i had a 2.0 more or less in high school. i scored a 23 overall on the ACT. i just wanted to get the more for my money. since all i got was the pell grant and it bought a full load at MCTC

it took going in the first place, getting bore, experiencing hardship, falling in love, making mistakes, growing as a person to really be able to take on the original mission.

i want to be a teacher now. i started school as a business major. i want to own something in this lifetime. i grew up without anything. and not that cliche definition. i was so poor as a kid i was ashamed to be seen in my clothes till i bought them myself. i had this dream that i would be financially free. it even evolved into fantasies of waking up in my bedroom with a wall screen in my bedroom. i would wake up and turn it on with the remote keyboard. my board of directors would be conferencing via web cam. I'd be checking my investments. then get out the bed and go and do what i want with the day while they get my money.

then i went into this period where i really wanted to study abroad. figured I'm going in debt over school. might as well throw some travel in too. use it as a vehicle. got into this program where i could do a semester in china. never followed through.

Like Nietzsche said "To forget one's purpose is the commonest form of stupidity"

my turn to play the fool.

now i wanna teach. i wanna teach abroad. i would really love to teach in Africa or Asia. ok i would love to get paid to live there. I'm kinda bored with my current station in life. i wanna see other place. i wanna meet new people. i want to have friends all over. and i love education. i love to learn. I'm a student of life. i wanna share that with people eager to learn. lets be real. we don't have the most appreciative of students here.

so i'm going back to school this fall. i want to study a foreign language. i used to do Spanish in high school. but the class went too fast for me. i took Quran'ic Arabic. but thats not conversational Arabic.

i wanna learn Japanese. Spanish, Arabic and maybe another language in my life time.

considered enlisting in the Army to be a Linguist..

i also plan on taking a psychology class as well. i'm thinking of minoring in education psychology.

my dream is that i'll get to have some fun when i get back in the rhythm. i know that alot of people want to be teachers abroad. and metro state has an affordable teaching degree. hoping to link up with a few of them. maybe go overseas as a group. or hopefully meet up with people already living the life and networking.

i really need to make this work. my dreams depending on it.

Fantasy( from Original Blog )


Posted on 2009.02.26 at 23:17
i have dreams. but when does a dream deviate into fantasy?

a dreams defined as a cherished desire; a fantastic but vain hope.(

a fantasy is defined as imagination unrestricted by reality.(

My guess is its when what you desire exceeds what is attainable by the normal person.At what point your simply deluding yourself. With that comes the need to understand what varying degrees of normal or average outcomes are norms to different groups of people.

a story from growing up.

Greg, My best friend in the world for the longest time. we grew from ages 16 to present day witnessing the most trying of circumstances and how they weighed on our outlooks. i had grown up in an abusive home and really was socially stunted in a way . i lacked closure from some issues. my relationship with my father was unhealthy. i held in esteem the respect i had for him for he had did for me in my life up to 10. but i allowed my self to fantasize i still had the same father, rather than deal with the fact i hadn't had one in 13 years. that the same man was on the other end of the phone when i called. but he never called me. but thats another blog. out of respect i won't talk about what was going on on Greg's end.

but i remember one time, we were walking the north side. talking like we always did.

the usual, how we were gonna change our situation.

i was telling him as confidently as i told myself often that i was going to college. WE were going to college.
He was a risk taker. wanted to be his own boss. i merely wanted to live a full life, but still get the pleasure of walking into a building, the staff getting nervous since the boss is in the building. Middle management telling everyone to be on there best behavior. king shit,

i was working at mcdonalds at the time. i remember working the hardest i ever had, drive thru during rush hour. so tired and frustrated i wanted to quit. i remember going into the managers office. watching as she entered in the numbers for the hour. the store grossed $3000 for the hour. i sat and thought to myself that the man who owned this store just made 3000 before expenses without having to do anything but show his face and check the numbers. i knew i had to own something this lifetime.

i had assumed he had a similar plan for his life like i had for mine.

"why college? they don't teach you how to get money. alot of people who got money aint go to college."

I replied, "so we can learn about business. how others do business. how the world does business. to learn. i just want to learn"

i babbled on about wanting to travel and he immediately rebutted.

" how often you hear of accountants, teachers doctors (or whateva the fuck they do) just traveling. a jobs a job. they don't give you no time to just be doing shit you feel like when you feel like it. you aint gotta be the one signin the checks."

a was alittle insulted, since i was aspiring to one of those professions i asked, "whats your plan?"

to be honest i don't remember much further in the conversation cause the weed we was smoking was rather potent. but i remember the talk about how going to college and having fun are all just fantasies. not the reality for us. i believe strongly that a man can become whatever he wants to be if he truly is a man. i was going to do whatever i wanted. i felt if i couldn't than why am i alive. why do i have dreams. why do i hunger for new experiences, new horizons. Why do want more?

At 17 i believed that i could go to college. that my home situation wasn't ideal but it was enough to get through high school and off to become something. i was going to go to Howard in the original story. using a conformist 's thought process i'd go to school. date recklessly. graduate. travel, Come home and be the pillar of my community or some bullshit like that.

i remember saying that i was going to do the impossible. i would become a businessman. travel all the time. have the freedom to be a straight N!&&@( sorry, its subject appropriate) with the fruits of my labor.. truthfully i was aspiring to being ordinary. To what everyone else is doing. i was really just gonna follow the leader into a cubicle. i didn't even know anybody who was living the good life. Was hoping i would be working for someone, be discovered and they'd take me under there wing.

Greg said 2 words that struck me, " you're fantasin"