Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Fantasy( from Original Blog )


Posted on 2009.02.26 at 23:17
i have dreams. but when does a dream deviate into fantasy?

a dreams defined as a cherished desire; a fantastic but vain hope.(rhymezone.com)

a fantasy is defined as imagination unrestricted by reality.(rhymezone.com)

My guess is its when what you desire exceeds what is attainable by the normal person.At what point your simply deluding yourself. With that comes the need to understand what varying degrees of normal or average outcomes are norms to different groups of people.

a story from growing up.

Greg, My best friend in the world for the longest time. we grew from ages 16 to present day witnessing the most trying of circumstances and how they weighed on our outlooks. i had grown up in an abusive home and really was socially stunted in a way . i lacked closure from some issues. my relationship with my father was unhealthy. i held in esteem the respect i had for him for he had did for me in my life up to 10. but i allowed my self to fantasize i still had the same father, rather than deal with the fact i hadn't had one in 13 years. that the same man was on the other end of the phone when i called. but he never called me. but thats another blog. out of respect i won't talk about what was going on on Greg's end.

but i remember one time, we were walking the north side. talking like we always did.

the usual, how we were gonna change our situation.

i was telling him as confidently as i told myself often that i was going to college. WE were going to college.
He was a risk taker. wanted to be his own boss. i merely wanted to live a full life, but still get the pleasure of walking into a building, the staff getting nervous since the boss is in the building. Middle management telling everyone to be on there best behavior. king shit,

i was working at mcdonalds at the time. i remember working the hardest i ever had, drive thru during rush hour. so tired and frustrated i wanted to quit. i remember going into the managers office. watching as she entered in the numbers for the hour. the store grossed $3000 for the hour. i sat and thought to myself that the man who owned this store just made 3000 before expenses without having to do anything but show his face and check the numbers. i knew i had to own something this lifetime.

i had assumed he had a similar plan for his life like i had for mine.

"why college? they don't teach you how to get money. alot of people who got money aint go to college."

I replied, "so we can learn about business. how others do business. how the world does business. to learn. i just want to learn"

i babbled on about wanting to travel and he immediately rebutted.

" how often you hear of accountants, teachers doctors (or whateva the fuck they do) just traveling. a jobs a job. they don't give you no time to just be doing shit you feel like when you feel like it. you aint free.you gotta be the one signin the checks."

a was alittle insulted, since i was aspiring to one of those professions i asked, "whats your plan?"

to be honest i don't remember much further in the conversation cause the weed we was smoking was rather potent. but i remember the talk about how going to college and having fun are all just fantasies. not the reality for us. i believe strongly that a man can become whatever he wants to be if he truly is a man. i was going to do whatever i wanted. i felt if i couldn't than why am i alive. why do i have dreams. why do i hunger for new experiences, new horizons. Why do want more?

At 17 i believed that i could go to college. that my home situation wasn't ideal but it was enough to get through high school and off to become something. i was going to go to Howard in the original story. using a conformist 's thought process i'd go to school. date recklessly. graduate. travel, Come home and be the pillar of my community or some bullshit like that.

i remember saying that i was going to do the impossible. i would become a businessman. travel all the time. have the freedom to be a straight N!&&@( sorry, its subject appropriate) with the fruits of my labor.. truthfully i was aspiring to being ordinary. To what everyone else is doing. i was really just gonna follow the leader into a cubicle. i didn't even know anybody who was living the good life. Was hoping i would be working for someone, be discovered and they'd take me under there wing.

Greg said 2 words that struck me, " you're fantasin"

No comments:

Post a Comment